Slips in Recovery...

I regressed. To have come so far in recovery to be stopped now is painful.

...but this time it is different.

I hadn’t had a full panic attack in a while, at least not the kind that seem to happen for no reason whatsoever.

I had three small panic attacks yesterday and two rather large ones. One of them happened while I was crossing Main street, out of the blue I felt totally exposed and vulnerable. There wasn’t even a car coming, I just had to get out of the open. Fight or flight kicked into full gear.

So apparently I am now afraid of open spaces in addition to enclosed spaces. I can’t go to the store. I can’t drive down the street. I can’t be alone without locking all of the doors at least ten times, making sure the dogs are on watch a few dozen times, needing to have self-defense items nearby at all times.

Almost like old times, only I am not hating myself for doing so.

The difference is... I know it is PTSD now. I know that recent events have triggered old neural pathways in my brain. As things have grown more and more unstable in my surroundings I have groped for more and more control over my environment.

Instead of fighting it, I’m just doing what I can to accept that right now I need to feel safe. Trying to assess what I can control and what I can't. Trying to keep myself out of situations where I am likely to feel insecure. Allowing myself to do things that seem silly because they make me feel safe.

This time I know the problem isn’t really an outside force, they are merely the vehicle, it is my brain and the way it processes information that is causing my problem. I also know I can handle it.

So instead of giving into the panic attacks or fighting them I just let them pass. I found a safe space to let it happen, and as soon as I was calmed down I went into mother mode and talked myself the rest of the way down.

I know a lot more about my brain and how it works than I used to. I understand triggers and my reactions now. More and more I am able to split off into psychology mode. To step back and see what is going on as a scientific observer.

I’m still learning lessons... but when I need them they are there. To see myself not as insane but someone who has had to develop some abnormal coping skills to get me through some abnormal situations. If normal people had faced some of the things I have... they wouldn't pass for normal either.

Most of all, I no longer view myself as a failure when things slip a little... I just remind myself that I am a survivor.

A lot of us see ourselves as weak when flashbacks and panic attacks happen, or when we backslide in our recovery. It is hard not to feel crazy when your brain is spinning out of control. You aren't crazy, you just have a different kind of normal.

Instead of beating yourself up about a panic attack, stop and step outside of the situation. Figure out what you need to feel better and do it. Resorting to self-destructive habits is only going to prolong your struggle.